Importance of Walking
I LIKE THIS ONE ESPECIALLY THE FIRST SENTENCE
-----Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85
years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now
she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.
The only reason I wouldtake up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out
what I'm doing.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy
me.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small
country.
.............And last but not least,
You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to
them!
What will we find in heaven?
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire Life."
"Where's President Bush's clock?" asked the man.
"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office.
He's using it as a ceiling fan."
40 THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to
pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my
way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're
saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again..
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point
of
view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely
coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon? :-)
40. Oh I get it... like humor... but different.
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If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous scientist (?) who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently than we do, to our amazement and amusement. Here are some more of his gems:
* I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
* Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
* Half the people you know are below average.
* 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
* 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
* A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
* If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
* All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.
* The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. (MY FAVORITE!)
* I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
* OK, so what's the speed of dark?
* How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
* If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
* Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
* When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
* Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
* Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
* I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.
* If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
* Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
* What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
* My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
* Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
* If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
* Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
* The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
* The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
* The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
* The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to sit on it.
* Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film!