Math Class
Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried
everything .. tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers.
In short, everything they could think of to help his math. Finally,
in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in
the local Catholic school.
After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious
look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he
went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers
were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at
work. His mother was amazed.
She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done,
he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was
back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to
understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly
laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With
great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise,
little Zachary got an "A"
in
math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.
She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"
Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head no.
"Well, then," she replied, "was it the books, the discipline, the
structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT ALREADY?"
Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of
school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they
weren't fooling around."
Is It Scotch?
On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.
The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box
of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.
The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a
little bit.She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied.
She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?.
"No," said the little boy....."It's a puppy!"
Why Older Chicks Rule
- by Andy Rooney from CBS "60 Minutes".
This is for all you girls 50 years and over.... and for those who are 40 turning 50, and for those who are scared of moving into their 50's...AND 60's..and for guys who are scared of girls over 50!!!
Andy Rooney says:
As I grow in age, I value women who are over 50 most of all.
Here are just a few reasons why:
A woman over 50 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?"
She doesn't care what you think.
If a woman over 50 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it.
She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.
A woman over 50 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom.
Few women past the age of 50 give a hoot what you might think about her or what she's doing.
Women over 50 are dignified.
They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant.
Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.
Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved.
They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
A woman over 50 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends.
A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women.
Women over 50 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 50 .. They always know.
A woman over 50 looks good wearing bright red lipstick! This is not true of younger women.
Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 50 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one!
You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
Yes, we praise women over 50 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal.
For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 50+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.
I OWE MY MOTHER
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just
finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the
middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not
going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear,! in case you're in an
accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until
all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't
exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who
don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get
stuck that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to
me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a
barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day! you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like
you
Curtain Rods
After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for his young secretary. His new girlfriend demanded that she wanted to live in the couple's multimillion dollar home, and since the man's lawyers were a little better, he prevailed. He gave his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out.
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on several pounds of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning & mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.
People stopped coming over to visit... Repairmen refused to work in the house...The maid quit... Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going.
He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back...
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth... But only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home...
..including the curtain rods
----------------------------------------------------------------
WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)
To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own,
grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make you
chuckle. Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort
from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own
children After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the
first thing he said was "DON'T!"
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve..we have forbidden
fruit!!!!!"
"No Way!"
"Yes way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.
"Why"
"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He
hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later,
God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked! "Didn't I
tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?" said the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it!" Adam said
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has
never changed.
BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY! If you have persistently and
lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be
hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think
it would be a piece of cake for you?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and
talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word
what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself
that there are children more awful than your own.
6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your
nursing home one day.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT
SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental encounters.
While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Walter and his wife Peg, listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are
important to each other." He addressed the men, "Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?" Walter leaned over, touched Peg's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-purpose, isn't it?"
And thus began Walter's life of celibacy.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
You gotta love this cop!
Two cars were waiting at a stoplight. The light turned green, but the man didn't notice it. A woman in the car behind him is watching traffic pass around them. The woman begins pounding on her steering wheel and yelling at the man to move. The man doesn't move. The woman is going ballistic inside her car, ranting and raving at the man, pounding on her steering wheel and dash. The light turns yellow and the woman begins to blow the car horn, flips him off, and screams profanity andcurses at the man.
The man, looks up, sees the yellow light and accelerate through the intersection just as the light turns red. The woman is beside herself, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection.
As she is still in mid-rant she hears a tap on her window and looks up at very serious looking policeman. The policeman tells her to shut off her car while keeping both hands in sight. She complies, speechless at what is happening. After she shuts off the engine,the policeman orders her to exit her car with her hands up. She gets out of the car and he orders her to turn and place her hands on her car then handcuffs her and takes her to the police station where she is fingerprinted, photographed, searched, booked and placed in a cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door for her. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the original officer is waiting with her personal effects and says,"I'm really sorry for this mistake.
But you see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the "Choose Life" license plate holder, the "What Would Jesus Do" bumper sticker, the "Follow Me to Sunday School" bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally I assumed you had stolen the car.
------------------------------------------------------------------
LEFT BRAIN/RIGHT BRAIN
While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make
clockwise circles. Let people know what your are trying and they will see the humor in it.
Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.
Your foot will change direction and there's nothing you can do about it.
------------------------------------------------------------------
HARVEY AND GLADYS GOLDMAN ARE GETTING READY FOR BED. GLADYS IS STANDING IN FRONT OF HER FULL-LENGTH MIRROR, TAKING A LONG HARD LOOK AT HERSELF. " YOU KNOW HARVEY" SHE SAYS, " I STARE INTO THIS MIRROR AND I SEE AN ANCIENT CREATURE, MY FACE IS ALL WRINKLED, MY BOOBS SAG SO MUCH THAT THEY DANGLE TO MY WAIST, MY ARMS AND LEGS ARE AS FLABBY AS POPPED BALOONS, AND. . . MY BUTT LOOKS LIKE A SAD, DELFLATED VERSION OF THE HINDENBERG".
SHE TURNS TO FACE HER HUSBAND AND SAYS, " DEAR, PLEASE TELL ME JUST ONE POSITIVE THING ABOUT MY BODY SO I CAN FEEL BETTER ABOUT MYSELF". HARVEY
STUDIES GLADYS CRITICALLY FOR A MOMENT AND THEN SAYS IN A SOFT, THOUGHTFUL VOICE, " WELL. . . THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH YOUR EYESIGHT".
SERVICES FOR HARVEY GOLDMAN WILL BE HELD TUESDAY MORNING AT 10:30 AT BETHEL ISREAL SYNAGOGUE.
---------------------------------------------------------------------