Thanks to all that have sent me such informative emails!!
Because of them . . .

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue
on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that
needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown)
who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the
$15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating
in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out
for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I can't enjoy a good Latte from Starbucks
anymore because they WOULD NOT send any coffee to that poor Army Sgt who
requested it.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell
like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward
an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove
toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so
a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave
anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume
sample and rob me.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our
American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number
for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore,
and Uzbekistan.

I no longer worry about sudden cardiac arrest, since I can now cough myself
back to life instead of wasting time calling 911.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free
replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their
recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown
African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it
bites my butt.

Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can
live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the
parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting
underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this
afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to
grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a
friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's
cousin's beautician, who is a lawyer.

Have a wonderful day, and you are welcome !!

TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE, THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the
second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap, he
will pay you to be happy

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE, THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge - mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not
the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while
you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a
rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It! 's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody
bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . having sex.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . having sex.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

-------------------------------------------------------

-----------------------------------------------------------

Two hunters from Wisconsin -- (true story)

This is from a radio program, a true report of an incident in Wisconsin:

A guy buys a brand new Lincoln Navigator truck for $42,500 and has $560
monthly payments. He and a friend go duck hunting in winter, and of
course all the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the lake with
their guns, a dog, and of course the new vehicle.

They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready. Now, they want to make
some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the
decoys to float on. In order to make a hole large enough to look like
something a wandering duck would fly down and land on , it's going to
take a little more effort than an ice hole drill.

So, out of the back of the new Navigator truck comes a stick of dynamite
with a short 40 second fuse. Now, these two Rocket Scientists do take
into consideration that they want to place the stick of dynamite on the
ice at a location far from where they, (and the new Navigator truck),
are standing. They don't want to take the risk of slipping on the ice
when they run from the burning fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the
resulting blast.

They light the 40 second fuse and throw the dynamite. Remember a couple
of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the guns, and the dog?
Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for
RETRIEVING. Especially things thrown by the owner.

You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the
ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40 second fuse
about the time it hits the ice. The two men yell, scream, wave their
arms and wonder what to do now. The dog, cheered on, keeps coming. One
of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded
with #8 buckshot,
hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment,
slightly confused, but continues on. Another shot and this time the dog,
still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified,
thinking these two geniuses have gone insane.

The dog takes off to find cover, by crawling under the brand new
Navigator truck. The men continue to yell as they run from the truck.
The exhaust pipe on the truck is still hot, of course, which the dog
finds almost immediately. So the dog yelps, drops the dynamite under the
truck, and takes off after his master.

Then --BOOM-- the truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the
lake in a very large hole, leaving the two idiots standing there with
this "I can't believe this happened" looks on their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by the
illegal use of explosives is not COVERED. The truck owner still had yet
to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments!!!

And you thought your day was not going well ---

-------------------------------------------------------------

Six reasons not to mess with a child:


1. Alittle girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a
whale to swallow a human because even though it was
a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by
a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale
could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "when I get to heaven I will ask
Jonah." The teacher asked, "what if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "then you ask him."


2. A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom
of children while they were drawing. She would
occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently,
she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied,
"I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said,
"but no one knows what God looks like." Without
missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing,
the girl replied, "they will in a minute."


3. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the
Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy
Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a
commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers
and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy
(the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."


4. One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother
do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed
that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking
out in contrast to the others on her brunette head.
The little girl looked at her mother and inquisitively
asked, "why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "well, every time that you do something
wrong and make me cry or be unhappy, one of my hairs
turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation
for a while and then said, "Momma, how come
ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"


5. The children had all been photographed, and the
teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy
of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to
look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'there's
Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'that's Michael, he's a
doctor.'" A small voice at the back of the room rang out,
"and there's the teacher, she's dead."



6. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic
elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was
a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted
on the apple tray: "take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of
the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "take all you want.
God is watching the apples."

-----------------------------------------------------------

These are targeted for women – we can all enjoy it!

  An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her Hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"   "Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."   "But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"   ***********************************************************

Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'. Mutual orgasm' here and mutual orgasm' there - that's all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?" Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."   *********************************************************

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me...I know we've been friends for a long time...but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"  

**************************************

  An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face was sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo. Lots of children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating them with tiger paws.   "You've got so many freckles, there's no place to paint!" a girl in the line said to the little fella. Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head. His grandmother knelt down next to him. "I love your freckles. When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles," she said, while tracing her finger across the child's cheek. "Freckles are beautiful."   The boy looked up, "Really?"   "Of course," said the grandmother. "Why just name me one thing that's prettier than freckles."   The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely into his grandma's face, and softly whispered, "Wrinkles."

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage that America has ever known. Enjoy the following quotes:

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman, neither works.
3. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
4. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
5. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
6. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
7. If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
8. Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back.
9. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.  He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
   
   
   

AND ABOUT GROWING OLDER:

1. Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
2. The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

3. Some people try to turn back their odometers.  Not me, I want people to know why I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
4. When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.
5. I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
6. One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
7. One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
8.  Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
9. Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.  Today it's called golf.
10. If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Two Village residents were sitting on a trail bench one day.  One turns
to the other and says, "Slim, I'm 78 years old now and I'm just full of
aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?' 

Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."  "Really? Like a newborn
baby?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth and I think I just wet my pants."

----------------------------------------------------------------

Even letters can be funny. . .

Dear President Bush: 
 
Thank you so much for educating people about God's Law and proposing a 
constitutional amendment to ensure that the sacrament of marriage is 
protected from the evil threat of homosexuality. I feel so much better 
knowing that you are looking out for us, and I'm trying to follow your 
wonderful leadership on these matters. For example, when someone tries 
to defend the homosexual lifestyle, I simply remind them that Leviticus 
18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination - end of debate. However, 
I'm not so sure what to do about other elements of God's Laws and how we 
should follow them. Since you and Laura are so deeply observant, could 
you give us some additional guidance regarding the following? We all 
trust in your judgement. 
 
 
1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and 
female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend 
of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you 
clarify? Why can't I own Canadians? 
 
 
2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in 
Exodus 21:7. She is very attractive, but intelligent and willful. What 
do you think might be a fair price for her? 
 
 
3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her 
period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do 
I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense. 
 
 
4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a 
pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1: 9. The problem is my neighbors. They 
claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them? 
 
 
5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2. 
The passage clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally 
obligated to kill him myself? 
 
 
6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an 
abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. 
I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there degrees' of abomination? 
 
 
7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have 
a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does 
my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here? 
 
 
8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair 
around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 
19:27. How should they die? 
 
 
9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me 
unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves? 
 
 
10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two 
different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments 
made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also 
tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go 
all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - 
Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family 
affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14) 
 
I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy 
considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help. 
Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is Law - eternal and 
unchanging. 
 
Your brother in Christ and dedicated republican 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1 Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss....The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

12. My neighbor was bitten by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite!"

13. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

14. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.

15. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

16. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

17. The early bird still has to eat worms.

18. The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.

19. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

20. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

21. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

22. My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that's what she said.

23. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

24. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

25. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

26. Brain cells come, and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever

-----------------------------------------------------------------

top