Why ARE Men Happier?

* * Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple
* * creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding
* * plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be
* * President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a
* * water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.  Car mechanics tell you
* * the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another
* * gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to
* * stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay.
* * Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.People never
* * stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional
* * well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister,
* * or mangle your feet.   One mood all the time.
* * Phone c onversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about
* * tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all
your own jars.

* *You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

* * If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
* * Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

* * Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public.
* * You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

* * Everything on your face stays its original color.

* * The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
* * You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big
* * hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
* * You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails
* * with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache..
* * You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25minutes.

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A lesson to be learned from a wrong email address!!

A Minnesota couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out from such a cold
winter.They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their
honeymoon 20 years ago.


Because of hectic schedules it was difficult to coordinate their travel
schedules. So the husband departed before his wife, knowing she would be
joining him the following day.


He checked into his hotel, noticed a computer in the room, so he decide to
sit down and send his wife an email. However, he accidentally left out one
letter in his wife's email address, and without realizing his error, sent
the email.


Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned from her
husband's funeral. He was a minister, called home to glory following a
heart attack.


The widow, though she was grief stricken, decide to check her email
expecting messages of condolence from friends and family.


After reading the first email she screamed and fainted. The widow's son
rushed in to find his mother passed out on the floor. He noticed the
computer screen, and read the following email.


To: My loving wife
Subject: I've arrived
Date: October 16, 2004


Darling
I know you're surprised to hear from me! They have computers here now, and
you're allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I just arrived and have
been checked in. I see everything has been prepared for your arrival
tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you here. Hope your journey is as
uneventful as mine.


P.S. Sure is hot down here!!

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Happy St. Patrick's Day

An Irish woman "of a certain age," visited her  doctor to ask his help

in reviving her husband's sex drive.

"What about trying Viagra?", asks the  doctor.

"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."

"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee." "He won't even taste it." "Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."

A week later she rang up the doctor, who directly inquired  as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and  begorrah! 'Twas horrid. Just terrible, Doctor."

"Really? What  happened?", asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it  in his coffee, didn't I? The effect was almost immediate. He jumped hisself  straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely!  With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me  clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love  to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you!"

"Why so  terrible?", asked the doctor." Do you mean you didn't enjoy it?"

"Of  course I did doctor! Indeed, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years.

But I'll  never be able to show me face in Starbucks again

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GREAT QUOTES BY GREAT LADIES

Inside every older lady is a younger lady -- wondering what the hell happened.

-Cora Harvey Armstrong-

Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out.  But I can usually shut her up with cookies. 

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.

-Helen Hayes (at 73)-

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs.  I think of them as stray eyebrows.

-Janette Barber-

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.

-Lily Tomlin-

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.

-Carrie Snow- 

Laugh and the world laughs with you.  Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.

-Laurie Kuslansky- 

My second favorite household chore is ironing.  My first being, hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

-Erma Bombeck- 

Old age ain't no place for sissies.

-Bette Davis- 

A man's got to do what a man's got to do.  A woman must do what he can't.

-Rhonda Hansome-  

The phrase "working mother" is redundant.

-Jane Sellman- 

Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows.

-Jennifer Unlimited- 

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good.  Luckily, this is not difficult.

-Charlotte Whitton- 

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.

-Caryn Leschen- 

I try to take one day at a time -- but sometimes several days attack me at once.

-Jennifer Unlimited- 

If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.

-Catherine- 

When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss.  And they called ME slow!

-Kathy Buckley- 

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb -- and I'm also not blonde.

-Dolly Parton- 

If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.

-Sue Grafton-

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on

-Roseanne Barr- 

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country..

-Elayne Boosler- 

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

-Maryon Pearson-

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man.  If you want anything done, ask a woman.

-Margaret Thatcher- 

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.

-Gloria Steinem-

I am a marvelous housekeeper.  Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.

-Zsa Zsa Gabor-

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.

-Eleanor Roosevelt-

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From the Tonight Show, with Jay Leno:

Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date
that a woman ever had.  When the winner described her worst first date
experience, there was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize.

Marilyn said it was midwinter...snowing and quite cold. The guy had
taken her skiing to Lake Arrowhead. It was a day trip (no overnight).  The
outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late
that afternoon.  They were driving back down the mountain when she
gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte They
were about an hour away from anywhere with a restroom and in the middle of
nowhere.

Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.
Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a
point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the
road, or she would go on the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked down
her pants and started. Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't have
good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady
herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for
traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking.  All she
could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing
nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of
another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered
her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of
tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to
disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that
she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her
plight and yet aware of the humor, she answered her date's concerns about
"what was taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was freezing her butt
off and needed some assistance.

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater
and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.
She, too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose
themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation
was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take
something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy
metal. Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first
place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free so,
as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his
pants and pee her butt off the fender.

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