Darwin Award Winners (2005?):
1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim
during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot
did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel
and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.....
And now, the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting
machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his
insurance company. The company expecting negligence, sent out one of its
men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger.
The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his Vehicle to find a woman
had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver
found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting
from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his
incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone
waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the
mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable
and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3
days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head
wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the
injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close
he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer,
the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which
the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and
fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he
got from the drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you
money, is a crime
committed?)
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that
he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some
booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head
at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief
on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made
of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man
grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the
woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.
Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the
car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car
and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes,
officer, that's her. "That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and
demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't
open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion
rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast . The man,
frustrated, walked away.
A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on
a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived
at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near
spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying
to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's
sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press
charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
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It's once again time to review the winners of the 2004 Stella Awards. The Stellas are named after 81 year old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's. That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuits in the United States.
Unfortunately the most recent lawsuit implicating McDonald's, the teens who allege that eating at McDonald's has made them fat, was filed after the 2002 award voting was closed. This suit will top the 2003 awards list without question.
THIS YEAR'S AWARDS GO TO:
5th place (Tied). Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving toddler was Ms. Robertson's Son.
5th place (Tied). 19 year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently did not notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal the hubcaps.
5th place (Tied). Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He could not re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for 8 days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The Jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.
4th place. Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's Beagle dog. The Beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been a little provoked at the time as Mr. Williams, who had climbed over the fence into the yard, was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.
3rd place. A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because> Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier, during an argument.
2nd place. Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a Night Club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out two of her front teeth. This occurred whilst Ms. Walton was trying to sneak out of the window in the Ladies Room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.
1st Place. This year's runaway winner was Mr. Merv Grazinski of OklahomaCity, Oklahoma. Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new Winnebago Motor Home. On his trip home from an OU football game, having driven onto the Freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly the RV left the Freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the owner's manual that he could not actually do this. The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new Winnebago Motor Home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit just in case there were any other complete morons buying their recreation vehicles.
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WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnaped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
ARE WE COMMUNICATING??
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked."No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"
NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!
In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.(hellllllooooooo!)
THE GRAND FINALE (I LOVE THIS ONE!!)
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft boat going.
It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out drive went up and down, and the
propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER... THIS IS TRUE ..Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer..
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Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss U.S.A. contest.
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
-- Mariah Carey, singer
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
-- Brooke Shield, during an interview to become Spokesperson for the Federal Anti-smoking Campaign.
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky Basketball Forward
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
-- Marion Barry, Mayor of Washington, D.C.
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the President."
-- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
-- A U.S. congressional candidate in Texas.
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
-- Danny Ozark, manager of Philadelphia Phillies
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
-- former U.S. Vice President Al Gore
" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another"
-- George W. Bush, U.S. President
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
-- former U.S. Vice President Dan Quayle
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
-- former president of American Motors, Lee Iacocca
"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version."
-- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
-- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
-- former U.S. . President Bill Clinton.
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
-- former U.S. Vice President Al Gore.
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
-- Keppel Enderbery
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992, because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
-- State Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
-- Mark S. Fowler, former Federal Communications Commission Chairman
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Number One Idiot of 2004
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
Poison Control Center. Today, this woman called in very upset because
she caught her little daughter eating ants.
I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be
no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the
end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter
some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told
her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.
Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
~~~~~~~~~~
Number Two Idiot of 2004
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a
life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of
the plane and home.
Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard
helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on
the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.
They are no longer employed at Boeing.
Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.
~~~~~~~~~~
Number Three Idiot of 2004
A true story out of San Francisco. A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank
of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your
muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the
teller, he began to worry that some one had seen him write the note and
might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the
Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few
minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it
and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light
in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stick-up note because
it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either
have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested
a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it any way.
~~~~~~~~~~
Number Four Idiot of 2004
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all of
the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the
robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the
shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier
refused and said he couldn't put the Scotch in the bag because he didn't
believe the robber was over 21. The robber said he was, but the clerk still
refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At that point, the
robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he
put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of
the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
This guy definitely needs a sign!
~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Five of 2004
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.
The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled
first bandit shot him.
This guy doesn't need a sign, he probably figured it out himself.
~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Six of 2004
Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just
throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and
run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window.
The cinder block bounced back and hit the would be thief on the head,
knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of
Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape. Oh, that smarts.
Give him his sign.
~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Seven of 2004
Ann Arbor, Michigan. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man
walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 A.M., flashed a
gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he
couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered
onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man,
frustrated, walked away.
Sign please.
~~~~~~~~~~
Please note that all of the above people are allowed to vote, (andbreed)
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Darwin Awards --
THE 2004 DARWIN AWARDS
7. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. The resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.
6. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, according to police. He was aproximately 6'' 2" tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearin g a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes and a woman''s wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl''s uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end was inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward.
5. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreakage with their pants around their ankles.
4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70 foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County polic e said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."
3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized.
2. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as ''bright'' by his peers.
AND THE WINNER OF THE 2004 DARWIN AWARD SHOULD BE....
Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the b all washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez''s scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez''s scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome were asked to le ave the course. NOTE: This last one wouldn''t normally count, because the idiot didn''t die. But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of stupidity, we have allowed it.
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