King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittittes.
His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world
Desperate he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested.
"Don't you know who I am? I'm the king!"
Croesus replied,
"When you wish to pawn a star,
makes no difference who you are."
"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man & worships his creator." - John Bright
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston Churchill
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." - Jack E. Leonard
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But, this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." - Robert Redford
"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." - Thomas Brackett Reed
"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them."- James Reston (about Richard Nixon)
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts ... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
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Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage that
AND ABOUT GROWING OLDER:
1. Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
2. The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
3. Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know why I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
4. When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.
5. I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
6. One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
7. One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
8. Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
9. Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.
10. If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
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1 Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
3. The difference between the Pope and your boss....The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.
10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."
11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.
12. My neighbor was bitten by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite!"
13. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.
14. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.
15. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
16. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
17. The early bird still has to eat worms.
18. The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.
19. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
20. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
21. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
22. My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that's what she said.
23. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
24. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
25. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
26. Brain cells come, and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever
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